Are you going to conference in a few weeks? Are you nervous, wondering if you’re really ready to face what awaits you? Well, fear not, my fellow writer…I’m here to help . Below is a multiple choice test to see if you really are ready to sit down in front of an agent or editor and–with a straight face–say, “Yes. I’m a writer.” They just may ask to see your score from this test…or maybe not. But take it any way.
1. ACFW stands for:
A. Always Crafty Fickle Wordsmiths
B. Antsy Creative Friendly Weirdos
C. American Christian Fiction Writers
2. If facing a sagging middle, a writer should:
A. Slip into a girdle.
B. Think about someone fatter.
C. Revise, Cut, Polish
3. What’s the best way to view a prospective agent?
A. With binoculars
B. From under the partition in the bathroom stall.
C. As a respected professional.
4. When told you have a POV problem, be sure to:
A. Cover your entire body in antibiotic cream and ask someone to scratch the places you can’t reach.
B. Cover your face and yell, “Unclean! Unclean!” whenever someone approaches.
C. Seek help from a critique partner or an editor.
5. What is Writer’s Block?
A. A neighborhood where only Authors live.
B. The place writers go to get their taxes done.
C. A frustrating time of little or no progress.
6. What is genre?
A. A brother to Barbra. (Sound it out and think about it)
B. A snooty Frenchman.
C. A category of literature characterized by similarities in form, style, or subject matter.
7. What is a metaphor?
A. For cows to graze in.
B. Half of a meta-eight.
C. A figure of speech containing an implied comparison.
8. When addressing an editor, you should begin by saying:
A. “What’s shakin’, Oh mighty Gatekeeper?”
B. “I hope you brought your stretchy pants, ’cause you’re gonna feast on my manuscript tonight!”
C. “Thank you for your time.”
9. Self-publishing is:
A. The photocopies you made of your hand, face, and whatever else before you were thrown out of Kinkos.
B. The short story your wrote on your belly with a permanent marker.
C. A growing trend in Fiction.
10. The most exciting thing about this year’s conference is:
A. That creepy Larry W. Timm won’t be there.
B. The opportunity to see if you can break your indoor dessert eating record at the banquet.
C. Seeing old friends and making new ones.
If you answered all the questions with “C”, you are ready. If, however, you chose anything else, you are sick and should wait a year before going to conference. Okay, that’s harsh, but don’t come crying to me if someone asks you one of these important questions and you get it wrong. I tried to prepare you.